For The Long Haul

Ok, so, I think I’m realizing that it might take a while to get to the weight I want to be. 

Yes, I have had some great weeks (overall my average is still pretty good, 15 lbs in approximately 10 weeks), however, i have also had some not-so-great weeks.  And what stinks is that my not-so-great weeks, well, they are no different food-wise from my good weeks.  And it is during the “I’m doing great but I’m not seeing the results” weeks that I’m going to have to dig deep to continue on and trust God to reward me for my efforts. 

One thing that is going to continue to plague me, is my migraines, and the fact that during a bad migraine week I’m not going to lose weight.  I’m just going to have to accept that and keep on going.  I think that is one of the big downfalls I’ve had over the last year with my attempts at losing this baby weight.  Because it is very easy to stop and give up when you stop seeing results.  And I did.  But not anymore!

In the last 10 weeks or so, I have had 3 separate weeks where I have had 3-5 day migraines.  During those weeks I did not lose weight.  I actually gained back 3-5 of the lbs that I worked so hard to lose and then had to lose it again.  And that is HARD.

However, I didn’t give up this time.  And I realized that within a week, my body typically regulates back out and the weight gain is gone and I start losing again.  Giving up all those times before during the hard weeks put me that much farther behind.  I’ve decided I’m going to try my very best to not give up this time. 

My migraines take so much out of me anyway.  I miss so much of life because I’m in pain, laying in a dark, quiet room.  But I'm not going to let my migraines take the joy of being at the weight I need/want to be.  So, once again, I have made it through another road block that has been an obstacle in the past.  I hope I can continue through all these detours life keeps throwing at me – and meet my goal weight before too long.  :)

So – this week I might not have seen any weight loss break through, nor did I earn another bead.  But I did earn something.  The determination to keep going throughout my health issues (migraines for me, they could be something else for you) and to keep GOING.

A Product of Our Environment?

I went out to eat the other day and was OVERJOYED to discover another place which will allow adults to order off the kids' menu. But here's the amazing thing...I ate less than half of it & was satisfied. Why was this amazing? B/c I was far from hungry afterwards. They brought me enough food that I could have very well shared with someone else! Didn't seem quite right. Afterall, this is a "kid's serving." Shouldn't it be a severely light meal by adult standards? Then I had a series of thoughts hit... There are several developed countries on this planet whose populations are, for the most part, of a healthy weight. Interestingly, their diets consist of a lot of no-no carbs like rice and noodles. So how is it that they manage to stay lean? Meanwhile, half of the U.S. is overweight. This would mean half isn't--half of every age, height, race, and gender. And I would venture to guess that very few of them are blessed with the metabolism of superman, or that they survive on little else but salad and tofu. In fact, I see them eat real food every day--just not in huge amounts. There's a definite connection to these 2 groups (other countries who do not have weight issues and the half of our nation which does not)--they eat the amount of food the body calls for. Not the amount that sounds good, not the amount which a restaurant dictates is a "serving", not the amount which is socially acceptable--but the amount their body is asking for. I truly think this is why 50% of our country is struggling. We are products of our environment--one that builds food into every special occasion and doles it out in huge servings which eventually become "normal" to the human mind. So why is it that some of us fall on this side of that 50% and others fall on the "blessed" side? Who knows? Maybe we're wired to have more of a weakness when it comes to food whereas some of the skinny folk struggle with a completely different nemesis--alcohol, tobacco, compulsive shopping, etc. The point is I'm realizing that I'm going to have to consciously go against my environment (i.e. adult-size restaurant portions or how much potato salad Great Aunt Gertrude THINKS I should eat since she made it herself...from SCRATCH!) if I'm going to become and (more importantly) stay--thin. I can't help that this means food will get wasted. Much as I'd love to order half of a small fry, just don't see it as possible in the near future. So it's up to me to pay more attention to my body and to God's prompting than to what my environment tries to dictate. Am I a product of my environment? Undoubtedly yes. But I don't have to stay that way--and I don't intend to.

Mickey Mouse or Thomas the Train???

Odd Title Huh?  Maybe a picture will help…

*photo credit: Amazon.com

I have downgraded myself to my son’s toddler plates.  We have a handful that look like this, and a few that are just plain color squares, but the point is that they are much smaller than my dinner plates.  So I can fill them up, eat until I’m full, and still feel like I had a plate full of food.  They are also smaller and easier to wash.  Oh, AND my son gets a kick out of me eating on plates like his as well. 

I have actually been thinking of going by Target or maybe even Goodwill to find some pretty plates just for me in the smaller sizes.  I read somewhere if you drank water out of a fancier glass you enjoyed it more.  Well, if I get me my own small PRETTY plates, I’ll enjoy eating on them even more – maybe??? We will see.

But honestly, I kinda like the Mickey Mouse plates.  Shhh.  Don’t tell.  It can be our secret.

A Charming Idea

So when you're on a mission to become a skinny twit, you're always looking for sources of motivation--a moving scale, looser pants, a co-worker noticing your progress, etc. Just fuels the desire to keep truckin'. And since I know Nat well enough to know she's not gonna toot her own horn, I'm going to do it for her. She came up with this INCREDIBLE idea... She suggested we all buy charm bracelets, and add a new charm/bead for every 5 lbs we drop. So I did. I am LOVING it--not just b/c it's pretty, but b/c it constantly reminds me of what I've achieved, lifting my spirits. Furthermore, as she pointed out, it helps with accountability b/c if you see it while you're eating, you're a lot less likely to overeat. I've shared this with several other aspiring dieters, who are all considering getting a bracelet as well. So many aspects of weight loss deal with finding what works for you--or in this case, what MOTIVATES! =o)

No Magic Pill

These last two weeks have rough for me.  No major losses (or gains), a 4 day migraine, and long stressful days at work.  I guess I’m writing this to make a point to say that I haven’t given up.  I’m still trying.  I have had a few times I’ve noticed my emotional eating and stress eating resurface, but I’m trying hard to realize when I’m doing it and praying through it.  I had this food thing conquered for a whole 2-3 weeks before food temptations and life came back in and started trying to take over again.  I can tell that this is going to be a daily battle.  Just because I think I have it under control for a while, and then BAM, I find myself slipping again.  But I now KNOW I can do this, so I’m constantly trying to keep myself focused and re-motivated.  And so far it is working.  We can do this ladies. 

Knowing that I will still slip – well that is our human nature, but knowing the freedom that I have and have had this month from food addictions has been so liberating that I hope to cling to that to continue to pick myself right back up and continue.  Knowing that I can continue to do this is key. 

Surprisingly Enjoyable?

I continue to be amazed by the many positive aspects of eating according to hunger and fullness. Yes, of course, the weight loss is one of the biggest benefits. But b/c there are no foods "off the table" (pardon the pun), suddenly I'm able to enjoy eating fast food--no reason to feel guilty, no dread that it will throw me off the next day. I'm able to enjoy healthy food b/c I'm not eating it out of obligation, but rather, b/c grapes or a salad or a spicy grilled chicken breast really, genuinely sound good right then! Then there's exercise...this part truly has me shaking my head. When it was something I "had" to do, I dreaded it and couldn't hardly enjoy it b/c I was working SO HARD to get to some certain time or calorie mark. Now that I don't "have" to anymore, I'm actually doing it MORE! And looking forward to it! And ENJOYING it! This is just the epitome of irony for me. And a GREAT source of motivation to continue!

Compelling Accountability

I remember the last time I had weight loss success. My plan was very similar to the one I'm currently carrying out--based on hunger and fullness. I remember coworkers taking notice to my new eating habits and giving off some of those "Good luck with that" vibes that basically told me it wouldn't work. I learned something about myself at that point. Namely that I can be REALLY determined (translated: STUBBORN) when I want to be. I stuck with it and dropped a little over 40 lbs in about 3 months time. They were shocked. But then the vibe monster came back in the form of "yeah, but can she KEEP it off?" Determination stayed with me. I did, indeed, keep it off for over a year. That's when I realized the impact of accountability in my life. I only wish it had continued. Of course, if it had, I wouldn't be writing this right now. But I eventually fell into a very typical, very unhealthy pattern. I entered a much more stressful job (with a completely different set of coworkers) and started turning to food for comfort. The scale inched up in response. So I "discovered" exercise. I told myself I was doing it for health--b/c everything from heart disease to cancer to alzheimers runs in my family and I wanted to do EVERYTHING I could to prevent it. Sounded good, didn't it? I even thought so to the point I convinced myself. But a few days ago I realized the main reason I'd been doing it was to counterbalance my need for comfort through food. It was the only way I could eat what I wanted to and still fit in my clothes. Eventually life got busier with the arrival of baby #1 and I couldn't keep up the same level of exercise. That's when the waistline started expanding. I even started eating a lot healthier and lost some that way, but life got even busier with baby #2 and I suddenly didn't have time to make 95% of my meals health kick style. So it expanded again. 15 days and 12 lbs ago, I was the heaviest I've ever been in my life. I realized what I had to do, but wanted to make sure I had no way out but forward. So I deliberately told some family members, then my fellow skinny twit buddies, then 300+ ppl via FB. Why? Because when that voice started calling to me from the pantry--the same one I've listened to so faithfully for so long--I literally wanted to equate it with embarrassment. I wanted to think about the fact that I'll probably run into someone I know (who very well could have read that post) every few days, and that they'd be looking to see whether I'd meant it, or whether I was blowing smoke. That's been highly effective in keeping me on track. Just another reminder that I TRULY can't do this alone.

Why Am I Doing This Again?

Eating according to hunger and fullness seems like such a simple concept--but there are moments when I doubt my ability to do this for the rest of my life. Why am I looking that far ahead? Well, for one thing, I'm a hard-core planner. Can't help it--just the way I'm wired. But in this case, it's also because I intend for this to be a lifestyle change. A completely adaptable, still-doing-it-in-even-the-craziest-phases-of-life kind of lifestyle. But not being able to just eat everything I see on my plate can seem really ominous for some reason. So, in my moments of doubt, I make myself face up to my choices. Here they are as I see it: 1) Keep eating "normal" portions and/or eating for reasons other than hunger (comfort, boredom, excitement, stress, energy dip, celebration, etc.), but resign myself to the fact that I am going to be FAT...FOREVER...COMPLETE WITH ALL ITS CONSEQUENCES! 2) Keep yo-yo dieting, struggling, setting unrealistic expectations for healthful food prep and exercise routines, feeling frustrated and guilty when I fail to carry out the plan and/or give in to eating any semblance of real food (note: no matter how well I happen to do at any given time, food and exercise will be a near-obsessive focus of my life...like to the point that I'll get cranky if life prevents me from getting on the elliptical or baking that sinless, skinless chicken breast I'd already planned for the evening) 3) Eat the amount of food my body asks for, only when it asks for it, and be able to be thin with no stress, guilt, or dieting EVER AGAIN! Needless to say, #3 is always my renewed choice and my focus returns. The more time passes, the more I'm convinced that our bodies truly were designed to know how much food we need each day--it's just a matter of whether we're willing to listen to them. I have no aspirations of counting calories, points, or fat gram exchanges ever again. Hallelujah! =o)

Get By With A Little Help

Of course from my friends, but also from a beautiful plant called "Rubiana." It's the Stevia plant--a leaf that I'm told, if eaten raw, greatly reminds us of chewing down on a sugar cube. It's the only no-calorie, all-natural sweetener I know of on the market. And it's SPREADING! Other countries have used Stevia for years, but for some reason it's just recently catching on in the U.S. It's in several products--usually distinguishable with the term "Naturally Sweetened." You can buy it in plain, sugar-like forms, in pre-made drink mixes, as well as in something that (thanks to my big brother) has me so addicted to it that I dare not leave the house without it--Liquid Stevia. It comes in flavors like chocolate, vanilla, berry, lemon, peach, strawberry, peppermint, root beer, english toffee, hazelnut, apricot, grape, orange, etc. It can be put in virtually anything--from milk to coffee, from yogurt to tea. But believe it or not, I like it best in plain ole' H20. Why? Because when something starts "calling" to me from the pantry, I can fix myself a glass of ice water with one of the above flavors and...(wait for it...)...NOT GO TO THE PANTRY! I get some of that sweetness I'm craving without undoing the weight loss progress I've made so far! In fact, without having to endure any unneeded calories whatsoever! (Unneeded b/c my body wasn't hungry.) It's also helped me tremendously with eating out. I'll order unsweet tea and add a flavor--making such a tasty drink that I empty several glasses over the course of the meal and don't leave room for overeating! It's GREAT! So if you're looking for something to help you defeat your sweet tooth, highly recommend trying it. Will definitely make life sweeter while losing weight!

The Road

We've gone down this road sooooo many times... Before any of the 3 of us met, and then several times in combination. "I mean it this time" we'd say. We'd make this incredible, detailed plan of what we were going to do. We'd be exchanging all those little diet tips you see in random articles. We'd exchange food journals. We'd exercise together. Talk about the trends in our weight day to day. But we never seemed to get there. There was success sometimes--sure. But it was always short-lived. The results just weren't sustainable for some reason. Then, we took a different road. God literally laid on my heart what I was supposed to do--a variation of a diet I'd tried years ago that had worked phenomenally. But it was SUCH a big step. HUGE. It meant facing my food addiction head-on, looking it in the eyes, and saying "I'll fight you no longer." The truth is we don't have the strength to fight something so powerful. Addictions are in the mind, so how can we use the mind to fight them? It would take handing it over to Him who provides all sources of strength. That's what's different this time. I'm not "trying" anymore--I'm DOING what He's asked me to do. To look at food and exercise and all manner of things related through His eyes. Most diets have a list of foods you can and can't eat. But the truth is the God I've come to know created pizza in the mind some of genius years and years ago--and He meant for it to be enjoyed! His way is ALWAYS better than any set of plans, rules, and routines we could manufacture. Hunger & fullness speak of His very personality--a still small voice we need to listen for. I don't ever want to stop listening again. I want to become a healthy size and know food is just another element of my life--like driving, showering, working, sleeping, and any other manner of things which have the capacity to be enjoyed without obsessing or overindulging in them. We CAN do this, and we CAN sustain it--but only with Him at the wheel!

Victory Moments

Something the three of us are constantly sharing with each other are Victory Moments (VMs).  These can be big or small moments where we felt victorious over food, our attachment to food, emotional eating, or feelings related to ourselves in general. 

So I think the very first VM I should share today is a HUGE VM for me.

As of this morning, I have lost 10.2 lbs since last Sunday night.  That is correct.  10.2 lbs.  And I haven’t been struggling like I normally do with diets.  I haven’t been starving myself and I haven’t been avoiding the foods that I love and crave.  In fact, I think what has made this work so well (besides the only eating when hungry part) is that I know I can have those foods so I don’t want them all the time non-stop.  It is preventing me from binging.

And just for some examples, I want to share my super crazy week with you.  Monday – Thursday I didn’t get home from work and after work activities until around 7pm.  Which meant none of my meals or lunches were home made and all that super nutritious. 

These are just a few examples:

Tuesday:  We had a pizza party for my son’s soccer team.  Pizza, cupcakes, cookies and sodas were served.  I only had a few sips of Coke, didn’t eat anything, and had a lean cuisine at home for dinner.

Wednesday:  Lunch – ate loaded nachos.  Said no thanks to the nacho cheese, but yes to the sour cream b/c I love it so!  Ate until I was full, and left about half of the nachos on my plate.  Previously I would have eaten every single bite.

Dinner – another party at Burger King.  I ordered a JR Whopper, and no fries or soda.  That was ALL that I ate.  It was enough to satisfy me and I was full as well.  Oh, I think I might have stolen about 3 fries from my son, but I didn’t eat a whole serving.

Thursday:  Lunch – ordered happy meal at McD’s.  Only ate ½ the bun on cheese burger and threw away half the fries.  Drank ½ the kids size coke.

Friday:  Every Friday I eat with my Grandma at her independent living retirement community here in town.  They actually have VERY good cooks and serve 4 course meals everyday for lunch (lunch is the big meal of the day for them).  Fried fish is typically on the menu – and it was this week as well.  I ate the fried fish, onion rings, a few bites of pie, and about 1/2 a salad.  I said no to a full salad, no thanks to the soup, drank water instead of sweet tea, didn’t eat the peas or the roll – and only had a few bites of the pie while asking for a to go box so I could send the rest back with my grandma for her to eat later.

So if you are still reading – the reason I’m putting all this down is so I can prove to myself later (if needed) that even when I’m super busy and don’t have time to cook good meals, that I CAN still lose weight and cut back.  Now, if this is the way you already currently eat, you would probably have to cut back even more to lose weight – say with a JR Grilled chicken sandwich at BK or a side salad w/a few chicken nuggets or something.  But this is what is working for ME right now. 

I would also like to add that I don’t plan to eat this way all the time, because I know this isn’t all that healthy.  Today I plan to meal plan for my family for this week, and those will be healthier home cooked meals for next week, but I did want to share what worked for me this week during my super busy time. 

Finally, and really this should be first, because it definitely is NOT last, but my prayer life and prayer walk has been very focused around God helping me through this journey during this past week.  Because I know I can NOT do it myself.  Can NOT.  I have proven that to myself over and over.  So every time I get on the scale and see movement, I praise God.  Every time I realize that I’m not obsessing about food, I praise God.  Every time I feel the freedom of being released from my bondage to my food addictions, I praise God. 

“For the joy of the Lord is my strength” Nehemiah 8:10

Because he loves me...doesn't he?

Imagine a beautiful woman. Not physically beautiful in the way the media would define it. I mean one of those people you can look at and think "there's beauty from the inside." A natural kind of beauty. But she's hiding in the shadows. If you look closely, you can guess why... She's got telling bruises and scars; but even more than that, her face is full of sorrow. Why is she allowing the man in her life to do this to her? "He loves me," she says. "He really does! He just has a hard time showing it sometimes." You've probably encountered someone like her sometime in your life. Hopefully only on TV.

I'm fortunate to have a husband who loves and cares for me and our children like the kind-hearted spirit he always has been. And that's a TREMENDOUS gift. But that's not to say I haven't had an abuser or two in my life. I'm not talking about people. I'm talking about sources of oppression which all of us struggle with day-to-day. I'm realizing that food had actually become one of them for me.

Am I blaming the food? Of course not. I know full well that when I say "that box of cookies was relentlessly calling to me," that its "voice" was in my head alone. But I'm now realizing how much the "comfort" it offered me is costing. My relationship with food, the excuses I used to make for eating when my body didn't call for fuel, the way I quite literally hid sometimes to eat it (as though it wouldn't be abundantly clear a few days later just by looking at me)--all remind me of how the victim in a relationship of abuse makes excuses and hides. That's NOT comfort--and it's certainly NOT love.

I guess you could say I showed my food addiction to the door on Sept 20, 2011. (Insert the lyrics from "I Will Survive" LOL) I've changed the locks and issued a restraining order. I no longer want a relationship with it. I want to control IT--not let it control ME.