I've Met The Enemy...And She Is Us

Today marks 2 months since I started this endeavor... Let me try that again...  Today marks 2 months since I decided to get SERIOUS--and via a specific method. At the time, I didn't really know what it was called. After doing some research, I finally happened upon it:  Intuitive Eating. (For more info, check out the following link: http://www.intuitiveeating.org/)

I start reading the book ("Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program That Works" by Evelyn Tribole, MS, RD and Elyse Resch, MS, RD, FADA) and was shocked to see how much these two nutritionists had managed to read my mind--even my very subconscious! They have explained numerous mysteries as to why I've dieted, binged, started over multiple times, beat myself up, struggled endlessly, and essentially felt unable to trust myself with food. In fact, they've made me realize that I'm still operating according to the old rules sometimes b/c I don't fully trust my body to be able to drop the fat. Interestingly, even though I'm still not doing this correctly, I've managed to lose 28 lbs. Just think what I might be capable of if I manage to fully GET this!

Our bodies (and quite frankly, our minds) were NOT designed to follow regimented, measured menus. (Note: Yes! This is what the above-mentioned nutritionists assert! Which is why I LOVE them!) We were given hunger cues for a reason. We were given cravings for a reason. We were given taste buds for a reason. And NONE of them involve fat accumulation. I'm finally starting to believe this is really true!

Current areas of struggle:

I wish I was better at accurately detecting when I'm full. Quite frankly, 3 months ago I seemed to consistently go beyond it, whereas now I seem to consistently stop short--meaning I'm hungry again within an hour of a meal sometimes. But I hope to get better at it with each meal I eat.

I have a tendency to be legalistic about only eating when hungry. (Sometimes this is translated as ravenous.) If I think I've eaten an adequate amount during a given timeframe, it's sometimes hard for me to trust that my hunger pangs are necessary. But what I just learned via the above book is that our bodies can actually be making up for nutrients which were depleted days before--it doesn't necessarily always equate to the last few hours. Furthermore, eating a piece of bday cake when not technically hungry will NOT make the scale bump up 2 lbs the next day...or even the next! I'm just far my likely to "check in" with myself after a few bites to verify that I am, in fact, enjoying it. If not, why continue?

Then there's cravings. I don't worry near as much when I crave a kiwi as when I crave potato chips! Interestingly, however, I'm discovering that what they say about how much we eat of previously "forbidden foods" is drastically less when we stop thinking of them as forbidden. Consequently, I remind myself of my toddler--operating via reverse psychology far more often than I'd care to admit! Just tonight I actually got the potato chip craving and thoroughly enjoyed them. But here's the kicker...I ate TWO. Granted, I took multiple bites from each chip, savoring their flavor and texture. But when I got to the end of the 2nd one, I realized I didn't want anymore. What I GENUINELY wanted at that point was a banana. Is that not INSANE?!? (but in a totally good way!?!)

This is truly a journey--not a "lose weight quick" scheme. I'm having to learn things like patience in reaching my ideal weight, trust in my body's cues, and peace--with FOOD. I'm sure it will take a while for me to completely get this down, but I look foward to the day that I can realize I'm at least 90% there, and that as a result, I no longer stress about my waistline and all the ways the world around me can impact it. Food is not the enemy--I am. Rather, the voices I've let "guide" me all these years from the confines of my mind. No more! Freedom is in sight!

All In The Mind

I'm amazed at some of the changes that have taken place mentally over the last few weeks.  I'm eating much smaller portions than I was a couple months ago, but the portions "look" big to me.  I'm constantly wondering if I wasn't paying close enough attention while eating--to the point that I might could have accidentally overeaten.  Then I take a mental step back and examine what was on my plate (and how much of it I actually ate) through my "old" eyes and find I did just fine.  So weird.

The other aspect is how much I'm enjoying food now.  To give a hypothetical example, I absolutely LOVE a good cheeseburger.  I used to get the urge for one, find myself salivating over it, excited when ordering and/or cooking it, and happy to sit down to start eating it. The actual amount of pleasure I felt from eating it usually varied (on a 100 point scale) from 60-80%.  Well of course, I'm after a 100, so I'd eat the entire cheeseburger, followed by a bunch of fries, followed by a coke (sometimes 2), followed by a dessert (sometimes 2 *gulp*). At the end of all that, my sense of "happiness" or pleasure might fall somewhere around a 90, meaning I might continue to snack after the meal because of how much I inherently still desired that 100. But often I'd notice it dropping back into the 80s or even the 70s--now out of guilt because I knew I'd overeaten and would pay for it over the next day or two.

Amazingly, almost every meal now lands me somewhere in the upper 90s. And there are times that I find it inching closer and closer to 100 because I know I'm still moving foward and haven't eaten in such a way that I'll regret it later. What this ironically means is that eating LESS of this thing which has the capacity to bring me pleasure is actually giving me MORE pleasure than if I'd eaten more of it. I couldn't figure this out for the life of me--until I watched an episode of The Biggest Loser the other nite. They were showing where the brain's pleasure center is located, as well as its size in relation to food. People who have weight problems tend to have a larger pleasure center in connection to food--meaning they WANT the food more than thin people who have smaller food pleasure centers. But when the overweight person eats something, they actually get LESS pleasure out of the food than does that thin person. The result? The overweight person feels the need to eat more of the food so as to gain the dopamine release, whereas the thin person can eat much less of the same food and actually experience MORE pleasure than the overweight person. How bizarre is this? Furthermore, is it actually possible that my dopamine levels are adjusting as though my food pleasure center is smaller? I'm honestly not sure how all this works, but I know that part of my interaction with food has changed drastically, so I'm trying to figure it out. I've always felt like my brain was working against me in regard to weight loss...but for the 1st time, I actually feel like it's on my side.

The Stress Test

About a week ago, one of THOSE events happened...you know, those highly stressful moments in life that make you take a big gulp because you know you're about to have to face something huge.  The kind of thing you hear people go through and think "Ugh. Poor thing. Hate they're having to go through that." We all have them happen in life (and pray hard we don't encounter more than one at once). For blogging's sake, the details of this life event are irrelevant; the reason I even mention it is because such events are often what sent me over the edge when it came to emotional eating. Sure, I used to eat for emotional reasons pretty much every day, but on these days, I downright binged. No nice way to say it. I've been doing this for about 7 weeks now and had managed to avoid such days until recently. So I find myself facing this OVERWHELMING urge to bury myself in some comfort food. I'd firmly answer myself with a "NO--I'VE WORKED TOO HARD!" only to find the urge returning 20-30 min later. Finally, genuine hunger arrived and I ate something content in the knowledge that 1) I hadn't thrown myself off track and 2) I'd managed to face down the enemy even in the midst of a significant stressor.  The more I think about it, I'm happier about that victory than I am to see the scale go down. Why? Because it tells me I've got a real, live chance at ensuring that scale stays where it's supposed to be. If I can consciously turn to God in those times (rather than the choco chips), I feel all the more confident that I won't have to continue fighting the battle of the bulge. I can't control everything that happens to me, but I CAN at least make an effort to control my reaction. And then my body has no choice but to directly REFLECT those actions. I've got a ways to grow in terms of faith, but I think God just helped me take a baby step I won't soon forget!

Perspective

Keep taking pictures!!!  Even when you don’t like the way you look, or your size, etc. 

This picture was taken in July 2009.  I was no where near my goal weight, and honestly only about 10 lbs (15 MAX) away from my weight right now.  And when I looked at this picture I cringed.  However, today, 2.5 years later, I don’t see the same thing.  I see a precious little boy who had just had a week long blast of a vacation at the beach and honestly I don’t think I look too bad.  I also see a very happy version of me.  And look at that nice tan???  And dare I say I actually think I look half way decent? So, my point is that I no longer cringe at this photo.

Have I lowered my standards?  I don’t think so.  I think I have realized that it isn’t about a size or number on the scale that makes you beautiful.  Yes, I still want to be healthy and I’m still making that a personal goal, but I’m not going to stop taking pictures because I don’t like what I see.  Because – I should like what I see even when I don’t.  And if I’m too ignorant to see it at the time (like i was back in 2009), I might just have better perspective the next time I look at the picture!

This is what my picture looked like this year – same beach, same week, 2011:

Ok, not going to lie – I still cringe at this picture.  But I'm working to be 50 lbs down by the time I go back next July (15 down, 35 to go).  And I will be taking another picture!!!!  I bet in a few years when I see this picture, I’m not going to notice the huge arm or neck rolls, I’m hoping I’m going to notice the newborn (chunky) baby and how pretty my hair looked and how happy I looked in this picture.  I will probably remember all the sleepless nights and be thankful that THAT phase of mommy hood is over. 

And I’m praying that with God’s help and some dedication that when I go back this July, in approximately 249 days, that I will LOVE the picture that I take. 

So my point is, don’t stop living life while your trying to get to where you want to be!  Enjoy it now.  Take the pictures.  And set your eyes on the goal where you want to be!!!  Then take baby steps to get there!

For The Long Haul

Ok, so, I think I’m realizing that it might take a while to get to the weight I want to be. 

Yes, I have had some great weeks (overall my average is still pretty good, 15 lbs in approximately 10 weeks), however, i have also had some not-so-great weeks.  And what stinks is that my not-so-great weeks, well, they are no different food-wise from my good weeks.  And it is during the “I’m doing great but I’m not seeing the results” weeks that I’m going to have to dig deep to continue on and trust God to reward me for my efforts. 

One thing that is going to continue to plague me, is my migraines, and the fact that during a bad migraine week I’m not going to lose weight.  I’m just going to have to accept that and keep on going.  I think that is one of the big downfalls I’ve had over the last year with my attempts at losing this baby weight.  Because it is very easy to stop and give up when you stop seeing results.  And I did.  But not anymore!

In the last 10 weeks or so, I have had 3 separate weeks where I have had 3-5 day migraines.  During those weeks I did not lose weight.  I actually gained back 3-5 of the lbs that I worked so hard to lose and then had to lose it again.  And that is HARD.

However, I didn’t give up this time.  And I realized that within a week, my body typically regulates back out and the weight gain is gone and I start losing again.  Giving up all those times before during the hard weeks put me that much farther behind.  I’ve decided I’m going to try my very best to not give up this time. 

My migraines take so much out of me anyway.  I miss so much of life because I’m in pain, laying in a dark, quiet room.  But I'm not going to let my migraines take the joy of being at the weight I need/want to be.  So, once again, I have made it through another road block that has been an obstacle in the past.  I hope I can continue through all these detours life keeps throwing at me – and meet my goal weight before too long.  :)

So – this week I might not have seen any weight loss break through, nor did I earn another bead.  But I did earn something.  The determination to keep going throughout my health issues (migraines for me, they could be something else for you) and to keep GOING.

A Product of Our Environment?

I went out to eat the other day and was OVERJOYED to discover another place which will allow adults to order off the kids' menu. But here's the amazing thing...I ate less than half of it & was satisfied. Why was this amazing? B/c I was far from hungry afterwards. They brought me enough food that I could have very well shared with someone else! Didn't seem quite right. Afterall, this is a "kid's serving." Shouldn't it be a severely light meal by adult standards? Then I had a series of thoughts hit... There are several developed countries on this planet whose populations are, for the most part, of a healthy weight. Interestingly, their diets consist of a lot of no-no carbs like rice and noodles. So how is it that they manage to stay lean? Meanwhile, half of the U.S. is overweight. This would mean half isn't--half of every age, height, race, and gender. And I would venture to guess that very few of them are blessed with the metabolism of superman, or that they survive on little else but salad and tofu. In fact, I see them eat real food every day--just not in huge amounts. There's a definite connection to these 2 groups (other countries who do not have weight issues and the half of our nation which does not)--they eat the amount of food the body calls for. Not the amount that sounds good, not the amount which a restaurant dictates is a "serving", not the amount which is socially acceptable--but the amount their body is asking for. I truly think this is why 50% of our country is struggling. We are products of our environment--one that builds food into every special occasion and doles it out in huge servings which eventually become "normal" to the human mind. So why is it that some of us fall on this side of that 50% and others fall on the "blessed" side? Who knows? Maybe we're wired to have more of a weakness when it comes to food whereas some of the skinny folk struggle with a completely different nemesis--alcohol, tobacco, compulsive shopping, etc. The point is I'm realizing that I'm going to have to consciously go against my environment (i.e. adult-size restaurant portions or how much potato salad Great Aunt Gertrude THINKS I should eat since she made it herself...from SCRATCH!) if I'm going to become and (more importantly) stay--thin. I can't help that this means food will get wasted. Much as I'd love to order half of a small fry, just don't see it as possible in the near future. So it's up to me to pay more attention to my body and to God's prompting than to what my environment tries to dictate. Am I a product of my environment? Undoubtedly yes. But I don't have to stay that way--and I don't intend to.

Mickey Mouse or Thomas the Train???

Odd Title Huh?  Maybe a picture will help…

*photo credit: Amazon.com

I have downgraded myself to my son’s toddler plates.  We have a handful that look like this, and a few that are just plain color squares, but the point is that they are much smaller than my dinner plates.  So I can fill them up, eat until I’m full, and still feel like I had a plate full of food.  They are also smaller and easier to wash.  Oh, AND my son gets a kick out of me eating on plates like his as well. 

I have actually been thinking of going by Target or maybe even Goodwill to find some pretty plates just for me in the smaller sizes.  I read somewhere if you drank water out of a fancier glass you enjoyed it more.  Well, if I get me my own small PRETTY plates, I’ll enjoy eating on them even more – maybe??? We will see.

But honestly, I kinda like the Mickey Mouse plates.  Shhh.  Don’t tell.  It can be our secret.